Numb
by demi-kaijuu
Summary: One shot Syaoran thinks about his Mother and how her thoughtless ways shaped him to be who he is. He also thinks alot about Sakura! Songfic, Syaorans POV!


AN: This is just a quick little one-shot I whipped up after listening to 'Numb' by Linkin Park. It Syaoran's POV on his mother and the things that have shaped him to be the way he is. This is set after the final judgement and before Syaoran admits his love for Sakura (I hope that's right). Please R+R will make me happy. There probably won't be a sequel to this unless I manage to do one in Sakura's POV, but it depends on time!   
  
Disclaimer : I don't own CCS, clamp does, and the song numb is by Linkin Park, so I don't own it either. Please don't sue, I don't have any money.   
  
**Numb**   
  
_I'm tired of being what you want me to be   
Feeling so faithless lost under the surface_   
  
So much is expected of me, I have to marry, I have to be leader of the Li clan. This is all expected of me, and I'm only 11.   
  
_Don't know what you're expecting of me   
Put under the pressure of walking in your shoes_   
  
My childhood was nothing special, nothing I want to remember. Years of training and tutoring. I didn't have a normal childhood, anything but. I used to look out of the window and watch children my age, pull their mothers down the street to the play park, or too the fair.   
  
_(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)   
Every step I take is another mistake to you   
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)_   
  
I didn't, my mother didn't have the time for me. She was always up to something that was more important than her only son. She expected me to work and train. I think she was secretly hoping that one day I would grow up to be who she wanted to be. But what happens if who she wants me to be, isn't the person I want to be?   
  
_I've become so numb I can't feel you there   
I've become so tired so much more aware_   
  
My father disappeared a couple of years after I was born. Mother won't tell me anything about him. The only snip-bits of information I get are off my sisters. Sometimes I think they are the only people in my family who look at me as more than a leader, more than the hard shell I had to develop as a child. They are the only one's who know that inside I have a child who yearns to be played with, to be given treats, to be loved. Something my mother could never give me.   
  
_I've becoming this all I want to do   
Is be more like me and be less like you_   
  
The only thing I know about my father was that he eventually crumbled under the pressure of being in this family. He had five children to support and a wife who was never there. Eventually one night he walked out and got drunk. Drunk to forget his problems, his life and the wife and kids he had left at home.   
  
_Can't you see that you're smothering me   
Holding too tightly afraid to lose control_   
  
Walking home he stepped out into the road. A car hit him, and he supposedly died instantly. I remember my mother never cried over his death. She barely blinked an eyelid when the officers told her that her husband was dead. But that's my mother, never showing emotion. Emotions are a waste of time to her. Which is maybe why I grew up feeling the same and walking round like a zombie with instructions.   
  
_Cause everything that you thought I would be   
Has fallen apart right in front of you_   
  
But almost two years ago my chance came. My chance to get away from it all. To be a child. At least that's what I kidded myself at first. I think I knew that it wasn't going to happen, but I can at least dream - can't I?   
  
_(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)   
Every step that I take is another mistake to you   
(Caught in the undertow just caught in the undertow)   
And every second I waste is more than I can take_   
  
I was sent to a small town in Japan. But it wasn't for a holiday away from everything. If anything it was a test, a test to see I was going to be powerful enough, strong enough, wise enough to be a leader. In short I think I failed. I am not master of the clow cards, but still it didn't free me from my burden. If anything it added to it. I now train harder, study harder. If mother thought she could get away with it I probably wouldn't sleep.   
  
_I've become so numb I can't feel you there   
I've become so tired so much more aware_   
  
But in the end I can see why the cards chose their present mistress. She one of the most caring and down to earth people I know. I think I'm glad to know her, even though she unknowingly added to my problems.   
  
_I've becoming this all I want to do   
Is be more like me and be less like you_   
  
The cards chose Sakura over me; the final judgement was just a fancy stage act. They chose Sakura because of who she is. They could see right through me, and they knew that my heart wasn't in it the whole time. If anything my heart was a cold and still as ice. But Sakura's was the biggest heart I think I will ever know of. She didn't care that she lost first time around. She put up a fight and refused to give up. Her heart saved her many times.   
  
_And I know   
I may end up failing too_   
  
That's what Kaho saw in her too. She knew all the hard work Sakura had put into her card capturing. That's why she rang the bell for Sakura instead of me. Another person who can see right through me. I think that maybe my time around Sakura softened me up and made me easier to read.   
  
_But I know   
You were just like me with someone disappointed in you_   
  
But Sakura turned my whole life around. She practically walked into it one day, and out the next. But she touched my heart like no one else has ever been able to. She showed me how to love, and I began to fall in love with her from the first time I saw her.   
  
_I've become so numb I can't feel you there   
I've become so tired so much more aware_   
  
So I guess maybe I have to thank my mother. If she hadn't have sent me to Japan, I would never have met Sakura, and I wouldn't have the emotions I have now. But I still blame my mother for never loving me, never giving me a childhood and expecting too much of me from such an early age.   
  
_I've becoming this all I want to do   
Is be more like me and be less like you_   
  
But I can never hate her, she is my mother and I should be grateful for everything she may have intended doing for me.   
  
_I've become so numb I can't feel you there   
Is everything what you want me to be_   
  
But I pray to the gods to keep my Sakura safe, until I finally let the ice around my heart melt and make her understand my true feelings.   
  
_I've become so numb I can't feel you there   
Is everything what you want me to be_   
  
~*~   
  
Please review   
Ja   
Demi-kaijuu   
-x- 


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